Well, today was the third time I’ve gone in for a Baseline Ultrasound on Day 5 of my cycle. So far, things look normal. As they should, since I’ve been expelling all the old to make room for the new. I looked over my chart before leaving the office today, and the only information that stood out to me was that my lining was at 7mm. The past two cycles, on Day 5, the lining wasn’t near that and was at most 5mm on Day 9. As you know from my previous posts, the lining has to be at least 8mm for a fertilized egg to attach.
I have my prescription for the Clomid, which I will begin tonight, for the next 5 days. They increased the dosage from 50mg to 75mg. I have another ultrasound this coming Friday, on Day 9 to check my progress, and then again on Monday, Day 12. Typically, the ovulation will occur between days 15-18, possibly later, but that’s why they want to start watching early. Based on an ovulation calculator, I will probably ovulate Jan 22-25th (or Days 18-21). I want to be optimistic, and I am, but I’m still fearful that once again the follicles will deflate after Day 12.
If this had been my first pregnancy, I’m sure I’d be anxious, but not nearly as “hurt” as I have been the past two failed cycles. See if you can follow along on how my brain works: A follicle produces a healthy egg. A healthy egg is fertilized. A fertilized egg in turn is a baby. For someone who has gotten to the last step, been pregnant, but then not been able to take the baby home with them, or lost them early, the feelings of desperation or loss associated with something as simple as a “deflated follicle” wouldn’t seem like an issue to others. But for someone who associates a follicle with a chance at a healthy pregnancy, it really does feel like a failure. If I was just going about this the old fashioned way, and didn’t have such an in-depth look at it all, maybe my feelings would be different. Maybe not. But I do know that I hope this time works out.
It’s been almost 5 years, and I still struggle with certain commercials, movies, statements – I know that one baby can’t replace another, but there is still a hole that needs to be filled. God is working with me daily, and helping, but once a Mama, always a Mama.
Until Next Time……
